Online Dairy - Where have I been ?

 Stressed, overwhelm and pressured  while trying to to live up to the standards of my fellow peers I've made the mistake of not logging on to blog.  It is not easy pleasing everyone and no one is expecting me to but me.  Who cares what I eat and when I eat it? I make the big fuss over the weight, the food,the scale. Maybe, just maybe I should forget about the opinions of others and worry about just me.

 To many times I allow myself to fall short to what the public thinks of me. Like today I did not feel like writing.I really don't have a good enough reason not to write it is just the last thing on my mind sometimes. I don't like being a phony and to all my blogging peeps that feel the same way holla at your girl. I hate logging on and pretending that all is well when it is not. Writing three or four  paragraphs explaining how I fell off the wagon again. And how my attempt to get back on is the most important goal when it is not. I feel guilty and ashamed when I log on after eating two ice creams and a slice of pie and began talking about my new diet plan. 

You would think guilt would be a motivating factor not in the least, nope not me I run from blogging instead of  running to it. However, my dear friend call  me out on my blogging today and said you should write in the blog and not just one day. And it came very easy to me to say your right. I should I am going to write so much you are going to get bored. I was fooling no one but myself and my friend. The more I heard you should write, you should write I wanted to say I am a addict and I don't want to get clean.

But instead I gave them the same thing I give myself  I said what they wanted to hear until I was out of their sight. But here I am blogging  that would be my people pleasing cape. I did not want that guilt of the person being mad at me.  It comes so easy for me to do for others and to please others I have yet to learn how to please me. And for my dear friend maybe after reading this blog they too will understand stand that I am ashamed, stressed and pressure to live up to the standards of  the skinny women living on the inside of this large women that refused to recover from this horrible addiction of obesity.