The Cycle Will Never End

or will it.

Why Bother ?

Have you ever had this thought? No one cares so why bother, well; I have been feeling that lately and lately has turned into several months. I figure everyone in the blog world knows my routine I lose the weight just to gain it back. Not something, I am proud however, it just happens. So taking that approach when it came to blogging was easy. Why bother no one is going to read it and no one really cares. Nevertheless, I read somewhere recently that what other people think of me is none of my business so there...

Since my last blog, I am down 10lbs yes finally out of the 260's. Trying like all heck to get out of the 250’s very close very close weigh in in at 252 lbs. is not bad at all. Not proud of it, but, I am headed in the right direction finally.

Its been awhile but

Lately it has not been too much to talk about I am still fighting the battle of the bulge and I have a upcoming surgery. Yes, my knees are or should I say have caused me so much pain that I have to go under the knife again. My Gerd got so bad that my endoscopy has been schedule for next Friday. My yoyo dieting has to stop sooner than later because if it does not as my luck would have it things are only going to get worst.

Funny thing this week, I was watching the show the Revolution and Bob Harper was the guest he talked about the biggest loser show and his new book The Skinny Rules that had user-friendly tips for weight loss.  Tip #1 when you wake in the morning, have a large glass of water, and drink water before every meal. Tip #2 Eat proteins at every meal Tip #3) Eat apples &berries every single meal. Tip # 4 Go to bed HUNGRY! OMG that is the one that got me. Tip # 5 Plan one splurge meal a week he had 20 tips but only gave out five so I hope this helps someone besides me.

Pay me to do what

 You are going to pay me to do what lose weight. Are you kidding me? What would happen if someone calls you up and say we are going to pay you to lose weight. Pay me to lose weight, how sweet would that be right. Well for the record, no one is calling me and the weight lose offers are not pouring in. However, what if they were would I/ could I be able to commit to losing weight and keeping it off.

What keeps the weight off if you are being paid to do it? Is it really the money? What about the millions of Americas that are not being paid to keep the weight off. What is their secret?

Will it really take someone to pay me to get me started on my new way of life and if so why aren’t I important enough to me to want to lose the weight and keep it off. It is not cute struggling to get up from my desk when my knees are locked and I cannot stand up.

I always said after I lost 50lbs that I will not go back and here I am again back where I started  what would it take for me to realize that if I don’t change no amount of money is going to make me change.   

 It seems like I insist on paying people to help me change and they are getting rich off my failures. What I am realizing is until I am really for change and a new way of life. I need to keep my money in my pocket and stop making promises to myself that I cannot keep. Therefore, for now on I am going to pay me no mind until I am ready to change my life style and take action.  

Apples Apples Apples

 

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Maybe just maybe there is truth to that statement because I have had more visits to the doctors than I care to mention in the last thirty days. After each visit, the speech    was if you only lose weight, it would get better. I know that do they know that I know that boy if only I can put what I know into practice.   Happy Mother's Day....

Really

I am still or should I say back up to 263lbs what the heck is wrong with me. I want the weight off, more than you will ever know but I'm going in the wrong direction. Please helpe me find the mojo I am lacking motivation.

Dialogue at the WW

Dialogue at the WW

Consultant - When you come this early, please bring change.

Consultant - I thought I told you to bring change

Me – I was standing in the line when you said it so I was making a mental note for the next visit

Consultant - Ok, I am ready step on the scale

Silence …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Consultant - See if you can lose the next time

Me – Interpretation of what she said – tired of taking your money free try to lose a pound or two your making taking your money to easy.

Consultant – See you next week 

Me – Just thoughts -  she was only asking for maybe 2lbs as I was walking out the door; is that even possible for me these days. Sigh

Why can't I get this right ?

Short and sweet I am still stuck in the 25o's I can't seem to shake this at all.   

Obesity destroys........

 

 After posting a couple of weeks ago, a lot has happen; I have been to four doctors with the same problem. It seems that my Gerd aka acid reflux, have taken over my life so much so that I am seeing several specialist and a cardiologists. Personally, I thought if I just lose some weight all these problems would go away. Nevertheless, because I have not lost any weight the problems seem to be increasing. I am not writing this blog today to promote my unhealthy eating habits or my health problems. No, I would never do that but, what I am trying to do is help the next person who is on a verge of giving up because the weight is not coming off fast enough. This post today is for the person who thinks this cannot happen to them, I am letting you know that obesity destroys lives. In addition, trying to change and kick the habit is like telling a cigarette smoker to give up the nicotine for a day.

 My weight is 256lbs, and it bothers me every day and for the record, I know the plan by heart. Eat in moderation and exercise; I got it, my heart wants to do right, but my brain steers me a different direction. I start out doing right and by mid-week, I am off track, you know the story, those of you that are still struggling. Honestly, I want out of this fat suit, and every day when I look in the mirror, which by the way is not easy. I tell me myself today, we stay on track; that works for the most part on the days that I get off track. I try not to stay off track to long and now even my stomach is fighting back and swells up tell me there is no more room and I must stop eating.

I hope that this post will help someone today; let be the first to say do not give up or give in, hang in there, I am rooting for you! 

Not a Merry Go Round but a See Saw

This weight loss journey is slapping me around like a punching bag and I am my own worst enemy. I was only going to blog if there was something good to share but that was short lived because the good news stop coming. No, I did not give up nor did I throw in the towel; but I am going to be completely honest with anyone who reads my blog. This is not a merry go round this weight loss journey is like a see saw.

At times, it felt like I was going round and round not so, not so, I am going up two pounds down three pounds. Up four pounds, down one pound and so forth and so on. My goal dress well hell I am ready to return that back to the store or give that away completely , it’s so frustrating  knowing deep down in the core of my heart I really want this weight to come off and realizing it’s not going nowhere in fact its seems like I am packing on the pounds.

In the weeks prior to this blog, I went on a protein diet, no carbs for three days. Guess who was clogged and uncomfortable. Then I tried eating all carbs and no protein well let me just tell you I felt like a junkie in a candy store, I went to the market and purchased big bags of cheese curls, potato chips and pretzels and this was what I feasted on instead of protein. I swelled up so big from the sodium and my pressure was so high that I was in bed for a couple of days and very remorseful. My attempts did not stop there I figured why not just eat right six times a day.

Did that plan for a while, rewarded myself by getting on the scale, and guess what I lost nothing, nil, zip, zilch, naught, zero…. Then when I throw a little weight training and exercise in there the scale went up and down, up and down. Then I tried to figure out what I did to get it down and I went back up again… 

This is silly but I thought if I could just get out of the 250’s I would be inspired to do more. My body seems like it is just giving up the fight without my permission. If you have any ideas on how I can kiss the 250’s goodbye let me know.

P.S.  I remove all my pictures because it saddened me to see that I was once 199lbs and now I am 258lbs. Just sad….

A Diet is a BattleField

Let me share with you my set back it did not last long but it happen. This is what transpire while moving along with my new way of life, which was going great, until I stepped on the scale. Weighing in at  252lbs and happy as can be, thinking finally, I am going to be out of the 250lbs and boy, was this, going to be the inspiration needed to push me to go harder.

Therefore, the following week; I stepped on the scale with self-assurance that I had lost 2lbs no, no the evil scale had me thinking  I was on candid camera  I was up 2lbs my heart sunk into a bad attitude with negative thoughts like who cares, I will never lose weight anyway. I will always be big; boy, oh boy was I distraught. Because approaching the scale, hoping for more and getting less, and having my period all in the same day was just a little too much to bear so I fell  back into  old habits and that would be eating whatever I wanted  anytime I wanted it.

Big mistake because a diet is a battlefield, and every time you step on the scale, you must equipment the heart with steel armor and be prepared for the difficulties that lie ahead like weight gain. I read somewhere that diets are not for Sissies I must say well said because instead of throwing in the towel and waving my flag of defeat, I should have keep going. Now I have to lose all the weight I gain and then get back on track which I am currently working on.

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Red Dress........ Why Not?

 The dress you see in this picture is a size 20. I have it on as you can see; but there are many lumps and bumps poking out everywhere. In addition, this is my goal outfits to attend a graduation celebration at the end of May 2012.

I know it will not be easy, and I may face many challenges. Nevertheless, I will press towards to goal, which is to lose 25lbs in four months currently weighing in @ 255.8oz.

No News is Good News

I thought no news, is good news so I have not blogged in a while; well maybe I was wrong because I should have posted updates. Since my last post, I have seen a new number on the scale nothing to brag about but finally I can say I am no longer 260lbs. My last weigh in, which was five minutes ago, was 257lb.... I am headed in the right direction and I am excited about it.

Turning Back is Worst than Starting Over

Today on my way home from work, I hit a barricade let me explain I had a *Food Tantrum*. I told my friend I was fed up with all the new healthy eating; and he had no problem letting me know that he was too. He went on to say he was dismal after day one when I ask him to join, in my quest for healthy eating imagine my surprise when I heard that news. I guess he was the wrong person to vent to because after several exchanges of words and a few screams; we both realized that we were going to either jump ship tonight or shut the heck up. So tonight, I dedicate this blog to my friend  I just wanted to let him know that turning back is worse than starting over. Moreover, beg him to hang in there with me.  And just so you know I understand that change is not easy. I  pasted this letter  on my post to always be a reminder.

The Weight is Over

 Finally, I have a moment to talk about my day. It started good I went into the office with my mind on the weigh-in. It was unavoidable the group leader spotted me and before I could even say good morning he said are you ready for the weigh in. No, I want to go sit at my desk, have me some tea, and eat my breakfast. As I stared in his eyes those are the words I wanted to say but what came out was sure let me put my bag down and I will be right with you. As we walked side by side towards my desk I felt myself dragging a bit I knew this was inevitable; so I laid my bags down and walked in the kitchen. That is where the weigh-ins takes place once a month. 

    I stepped on the scale and did not look down I knew I was not going to be the biggest loser but I did not want to be the biggest gainer neither. I stepped off the person said would you mind stepping on again to make sure that the number is precise. Again, I stared in his eyes and wanted to say if you did not get it right the first time hell if I am going to embarrass myself again. Nope, I did not say, that either instead with a sheepish grin I said ok no problem. When I got off the scale the second time the person looked and me and said wow, finally you are going in that right direction. Wait did he say you are going in the right direction I wanted to ask him to repeat it but I am sure I hear him correctly the first time.  

 The person took his red pencil from behind his ear and began to write down what he saw on the scale. He started looking over his charts then he glanced over at me, I was not leaving the kitchen until he was done. About three minutes went by and he said you are in the running for the biggest loser. I said no way he said everyone one else gain except you and another woman. As I started to walk away the person said be proud of yourself you finally got it. However, after another review, the other woman did win but you keep up the good work he said and we both walk separate ways. At that moment in the lunch, I realize when you do well on your healthy living choices people notice.

When you do bad well they really do not give a monkeys uncle if you know what I mean. Every month prior to this month, the person barely gave me a second glance and always let it be known; I was going in the wrong direction by saying this is the biggest losers club get it. Little things to try to get under  my skin he said he only said those things to help me change my eating habits but  for whatever the reason this is the first time he stop, looked and smile with the good job nod. 

In addition, he mentions me in the email it read honorable mention to Kim with the 1lb lost

*Good Job*.    So I gave myself a round of applause for effort.

What is a Girl to Do?

For the past 4 years, our office has held the Biggest Loser contest. Every one that participates weighs in and the weight is calculated, and the biggest loser is given two dollars from each person with the lowest percentage. Tonight as I was traveling home I thought how good it would feel to have my name on the email with the attachment *The Biggest Loser * good job. It is a big thing around the office sometimes because office staff walk up to you and say I heard the good news you are on the right track keep up the good work. I tell you the compliments last all day. It gives you that sense of accomplishment. You put the hard work in and now look at the reward. For me it is not about the money; it is acknowledging the good work and effort you put in and it shows on the scale.
 
Because I have not been, the biggest loser in the group in over three years I was wondering what is a girl to do. All these thoughts ran through my mind, like maybe I should not eat after 4pm just go straight to bed no food, no drink nothing and surely, that would help me to win the weigh-in. Then I remembered reading somewhere that if you do not eat you will not lose weight so that thought was short lived.

Finally, I weighed myself, to see if it was even worth weighing in tomorrow. Let us be real here I been doing the right thing for what an entire week no maybe eight long days. Seems longer than that; but it has only been a complete week and last time I glance in the mirror; I looked the same no miracles happening yet.

 And

 I am not discouraged; the reality is, it took at least 10 years to put on and nurture 260lbs. Therefore, it will most likely take a lifetime to take it all off, and maintain it. So what is a girl to do seems like I answered my own question, I will go into work step on the scale with the confidence that I may not be the biggest loser  for January but when  February roll around I am taking bragging rights for the day and  all the money.

The Weight Loss is in the Stool

 Not many people like to talk about this and it took a while for my friends and me to break the ice on the subject but finally we are able to talk about it without feeling awful. In addition, watching Dr. Oz has been so helpful, I realized that this subject should not be off limits and sometimes, let us say every now and then, should be discussed. No, I am not saying  there should be poop chatter everywhere but folks should not get so often when someone mentions bowel movement in polite conversation. Therefore, I am going where no blogger have gone before or should I say again. :) Relax there are no pictures attached to this blog just conversation.

 Dr. Oz said that a person should have a least two or three bowel movements a day. This is a TMI; but I am going to share anyway. My bowels were like cast iron, strong as heck they did not move no matter how hard I tried, even straining did not help. Not realizing that was unacceptable, I did nothing about it was not until I saw the Dr. Oz show that I realized being clogged was causing so many other problems.

 I hope you are still reading I knew this would be a brown/ no a grey area.

What I realized was my body was not getting enough grains, fiber, or wheat. Therefore, I started incorporating those things in my healthy eating choices. Now that my relationship with food is getting better, I am wheat walking, fiber eating, grains talking woman and guess what things are functioning much better now. Wheat, fiber, grains, and I are on the right track now.

Did you know the weight loss is in the stool? Of course you did, I was the one that just read the memo.

I need a Brain, No a Heart, Or is it just Courage

Years ago  when I was a young child growing up with my brothers and sisters  my mother always  turn the channel to lengthy movies we could watch for our entertainment.  One move that sticks out to me the most now that I am a grown up is the Wizard of Oz. It was just a television program to amuse me and my brothers and sisters and it did of course we enjoy it. In addition, throughout the years my children and I watched the remake with Michael Jackson and Diane Ross personally I liked both versions.

There were always four main characters, which were in need of something, and each one of them felt inadequate without that thing that they were missing. Today walking through the market got me to thinking about the show and the characters and their needs;  while waiting in checkout  my mind  wondered what are my needs and can I related to what their needs were and how can I get in touch with the Wizard. (That last part was intent to be a joke). Serious though it got me to thinking, the scarecrow needed a brain I know it was only a movie and he really did not need a brain but sometimes I feel like I need a brain. Let me explain it took a hospital scare *I know, I know I keep taking about this hospital visit that scare me straight*. I politely say to anyone that feels, *enough is enough* it is necessary for me to have this constant reminder so that I can always be aware of the consequences.

Ok now that I have gotten that out of the way, let me continue to explain why I say if only I had a brain sometimes .At the age of 45 I pretty much know right from wrong,  sometimes I battle with some difficult decisions so my brain is functioning well except when it comes to food. I believe this battle would not have been so hard if I use my first, second, and six senses. There are many parts to the brain, one can only hope that the part that needs to keep me healthy has kicked in.    

Then there was the Tin man he wanted a heart, * no mystery there huh*. I wish I had the heart to tell me friends stop feeding me, stop being my enablers, they were considered my feeders because if I did not eat they would think something was wrong with me. So they feed me, I feed me and we all over looked my size. Therefore, since having the heart checked out, I told my friends to get on board or step aside.

The cowardly lion needed courage and WHO DOESN'T! I read a comment somewhere that said diet is not for sissies, wow that could not be further from the truth. Because for years, I had no courage; I ran from my fears, and my problems; and I used food as my shield to protect me and look what that got me, bad knees, acid reflux no GERD, heart problems, and possible early diabetes. Do not get me wrong, I still have problems and fears but and I say this with caution because I do not want to relapse again. I finally found some courage and it is not hiding behind a donut or a pizza.

 Now Dorothy wanted to go home she was in a strange place and her aunt was not there to protect her so she wanted to go back to the place that was safe or should I say familiar. She was out of her comfort zone called home. Well I can relate because being fat (obese) is all I know my big arms, big legs, and wide hips and huge buttocks is parts of my body that I call home. So every time I get in unfamiliar territory let’s say a size  18 pants or even an  extra-large shirt I run like a fire is burning underneath my feet trying to find my way back home. How I get there is through fast food restaurants, buckets of chicken and anything else that would cause me to put the pounds back on to get back to want I was accustomed too.  

 To sum up this blog in the movie each of three the scarecrow, tin man, and the cowardly lion received what they were missing and began to feel complete. Except Dorothy, she wanted to go home and the good witch told her that she had the power inside her the whole time to go home. Well my story is ending differently; I no longer consider my obese body home. I made peace with myself that it is ok to go to that unfamiliar place * for me that is a healthy weight*. It is also okay to step out of my comfort zone and eat lots of vegetables and fruit. Wow, I did a lot of thinking while waiting in the checkout line; and  it was  all worth it.  

This is my familiar  follow my progress as I go outside of my  comfort zone. Pic taken today 260.lbs

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Post my hospital scare, I would not look in the mirror afraid of what I would see. Nevertheless, lately I have been tempted to say mirror, mirror on the wall who is the skinniest of them all. Clearly, it would be laugh at loud presuming to see the skinny person inside. However, not all is lost because today I was not looking for the skinny person I wanted to be, I was just looking at me. What I saw was a person who was capable of the unconceivable, a woman that had the potential to change her lifestyle and stick to it.

After giving me a good look up and down I realized I did not need to say mirror, mirror on the wall lie to me, because I cannot see what the world sees. No, I looked in the mirror with confidence that the battle is no longer a battle the struggle is no longer a struggle. It is a lifestyle and I am in it for the long haul because the person in the mirror in my opinion was so worth it and I could not agree more.

Pinch Me

Its only been almost three days. I guess what I am trying to tell  you all is that since I grab the shoes that were beside the door slipped them on  then made my way down to the living room where I grab my hat and scarf that was laying on the side of the couch. Let me not  forget my round trip car ride to the ER.  I have not complain about all the whole wheat I've been eating around the clock..

 Veggies for a snack, whole wheat pretzel with flaxseed just go on and pinch me because I think I am enjoying all the new healthy treats. Wait and the best news of all I have been feeling a little better lately... No all day resting in the bed because of my illness... That my friends is Good News!